The Art of Receiving

There is a Chinese saying that goes: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.”

Incredible acts of kindness were bestowed on my behalf recently by many of you and I can only now address this without tears in my eyes. You have touched every cell in my body, every core of my being. I am sharing this with you from my depth not my shadow. 

Merriam-Webster’s definition of ‘thank-you” – ‘a polite expression of gratitude.’

 I am at a loss to adequately express how much this means to me – how much you mean to me. “Thank you” just doesn’t suffice, but perhaps this message will convey my heartfelt feelings of gratitude.

Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at University Of CA, Davis and a pioneer of gratitude research writes that saying “thank you” helps make our brains and bodies healthier. “There is a magnetic appeal to gratitude, it speaks to a need that’s deeply entrenched.”

I don’t believe an experience can make me ever more grateful for this incredible gift. But I am reminded of what patients at end of life reveal, that happiness is found amid thick and loving relationships. It is found in vulnerability, a state of mutual dependence and in giving and receiving. 

I am reminded of my purpose and why I was spared the very grim statistics of pancreatic cancer. At the time of my diagnosis, the pancreatic cancer survival rate was bad, 94% of patients diagnosed died in the first 12 months. 

In a coaching session, I learned my patient’s daughter and I have been watching the same tv series. I learned on the show that one character who had been diagnosed with cancer elected to discontinue the intolerable chemotherapy treatments. As heartbreak encapsulated the family and every scene of this show, I dissolved into tears and shook uncontrollably. Remembering after 2.5 years of continuous chemo and surgeries in my cancer journey, what this struggle felt like.

Everyday things I took for granted before my diagnosis, that were performed with energy, enthusiasm and often with little effort, were overwhelming. My road to recovery was not a straightforward path. In fact, there was nothing encouraging about it at all. My mood was gloomy, and it was difficult to fathom that every day was going to be like the last, where I just existed. This was unlike anything I had ever experienced, and I desperately missed the healthy, energizer bunny that I had known myself to be. There was a consuming emphasis on the inability to control anything and the bleakness of the long days was excruciating. I told my husband that I would not continue with treatments, and I would accept death as it came. 

And yet, I gave the next hour, next day another chance. I clung to my faith in God, family, friends, hope and myself. I can do this! It might not end up as I would envision but I will take baby steps and accept how this shows up.   

I texted my patient’s daughter asking her to discontinue watching the show and find something whimsical and lighthearted. In the show, the husband questions why he was not taken. I don’t usually question my survival but at this moment I did. A gift in the form of a phone call from a long-distance friend came just as I was having my meltdown. She very adeptly walked me off the ledge. She reminded me of what, how and why I do what I do. Then I scrolled through a few emails I had just received in the past 24 hours:

“You are the best role model of anyone I’ve ever known as motivation for counting blessings. ”

“In the midst of staggering health issues and life setbacks you have had a spirit and force that is not just inspirational but staggeringly aspirational.”

“I thank you for what you bring to realizing gratitude. I thank you for the beauty and grace you teach under adversity. I thank you for your independence and at the same time vulnerability-a beautiful feminine combination.”

“I have read and watched your testimony on other social media sites and felt your pain and sincerity. I admire your courage, fighting spirit, compassion, sincerity, involvement with many organizations to bring light to pancreatic cancer treatment advancements and your deep desire to help others going through this gruesome journey.”

“I will say it again... You are my Hero! You have given me Hope with your testimony. ”

“If I get discouraged by the changes in our lives, I simply think of you and I think, “anything is possible”, and I try to take life one day at a time and move forward, step by step....(sometimes I move sideways or don’t move at all, but then I slowly get going again, whatever the issue.) You are my teacher!!”

 I have found my own truth and you have helped me gain this insight.  In accepting this extraordinary gift, I am humbled, grateful, and inspired. The belief in my abilities has been enhanced with my expression of gratitude and thanks.

So, when someone says “Thank you” I hope you will own it, not dismiss it as a throw-away line. I know I have been guilty of this. What happens in the brain influences what happens in the body. Look them in the eye (in the old days I would say clasp their hand) but use some expression if they can’t see your smile through a mask. 

Human beings appear to be genetically engineered to be happiest and healthiest when we spend a lot of time selfishly helping others, and unhealthy when we’re mostly devoted to self-gratification. University of North Carolina researchers base the study on 80 volunteers. Studies have shown that “our genes can tell the difference” when our daily activities are self-serving versus service to others and a connection to the community. There was a pattern of gene expression link to less inflammation and stronger immunity. There are two distinct kinds of happiness, and your genes can tell the difference.

The best gift I can give is generosity devoid of expectation. 

Thank you for helping me celebrate the value of living an ordinary life well-lived.  With this gift I plan to expand, share, give back and recognize the reason I did not succumb to a grim pancreatic cancer survival rate. I thank you for believing in me, loving me and supporting me in ways I never imagined.  

Grateful and blessed.