A Year of Disruption
The unthinkable happened.
On January 6, 2021, a violent attack occurred at the very core of our democracy. It was just one failure in a dizzying list that day — and during the weeks leading up to it — that resulted in the first occupation of the United States Capitol since British troops set the building ablaze during the War of 1812. But the death and destruction this time was caused by Americans. We were experiencing a new shade of human darkness.
I was glued to my television, watching in horror. I have had many opportunities to visit this great institution, one of the most recognized symbols of democratic government in the world. For ten years, as a board member of PanCAN, I participated with hundreds of committed volunteers lobbying Congress for increased funding for all types of pancreatic cancer. I have no experience in the political world, but walking the halls of these sacrosanct buildings and meeting with Members of Congress was an honor and a reminder of the importance of my commitment to advocate for people faced with all types of pancreatic cancer. During these visits, rivers of emotion in the form of tears flowed while volunteers shared heartfelt photographs and stories of lost loved ones. Members and staff listened intently to our plea about the desperate need for research funding for the 3rd deadliest cancer. These interactions give you a profound respect for the hallmark of justice and government.
As I write this, it has been a full year since COVID-19 entered our lives. So many areas of our daily life are being assaulted. Darkness has entered a permanent residence in our souls.
With the pandemic, we are experiencing loss of lives and unbearable strain on our frontline workers. There is an inability to meet the current healthcare needs; hospitals are stretched beyond their limits. There is devastation in the economic sector -- loss of jobs and tragically, businesses all over are closing their doors. Jon Dauphiné, CEO of the Foundation of Financial Planning, described COVID-19 as a "financial hurricane with no cushion," with slices of the population suffering an outsized impact.
Services, non-profits, small businesses have evaporated. We have been unable to share births, graduations, celebrations, or see and touch our loved ones in senior facilities. We witness the incredible strain on teachers and parents having to home school. Parents have to weigh the pros and cons of risking their children going to school or learning remotely. And this is only scratching the surface of incredible sacrifices made to survive.
One of the greatest hallows in our lives this year is the lack of human connections and social interaction. A sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs. We are social beings, and our bodies respond when we lack proximity to others; a social connection is something we biologically crave. It can lower anxiety and depression, help us regulate our emotions, lead to higher self-esteem and empathy, which improves our immune systems. Many of us are experiencing loneliness and depression – desperately missing what was. For some, we are eating and drinking more, exercising less, scattered in our thoughts, with disrupted sleep patterns. Some don't have any alone time and there is a lack of privacy. Moods are anxious, and we become irritable and impatient. It is essential to regulate the self-talk and ask for help. We can't do this alone, and it is vital to stay connected.
Recently I was walking on the trail close to my apartment. Every gathering deals in its own social currency. Walking alone, I was on the phone with a neighbor when, unexpectedly, I see her big smile approaching me from the other direction. We stop and chat when we hear "Girls!" Another friend, who does not live permanently in Dallas, was coming up behind us. We were in a beautiful outdoor setting surrounded by trees in a small enclave of the city, with the sun streaming down, and for a brief time, everything felt so carefree and normal. For 20 minutes, the exchange of banter, laughs, and physically seeing my dear girlfriends at a distance provided a much-needed sense of relief. That brief interaction lifted my spirits and brought me so much joy. I was smiling for the rest of the day. In my former life, this was a common occurrence that was uplifting and a wonderful unexpected present. For me, right now, this is a perfect example of a greater appreciation for what used to be more commonplace but still a joyful experience.
I am using my mind to control my apprehensions as I did with my cancer. Of course, there are questions and concerns, but I am doing everything prescribed to be responsible with myself and others. I never play the "what if" game. I have more time to devote to my business opportunities. I'm monitoring the amount of media I take in; I have a schedule and structure to the work I am doing; I exercise daily. I am introducing new learning experiences - the brain is dynamic when you learn and there is an abundance of opportunities in every area imaginable. For some, we have the gift of time to really sharpen our skills.
I have to work really hard to limit the judgment or negative self-talk that can play havoc. Self-care, staying in touch and controlling that nasty roommate in my head, as in the inner critic, is a priority!
With my cancer coaching clients, they are in a Tsunami of pain. The lens is different with this added veil of fear and unanswered questions to an already devastating diagnosis of cancer. In some strange way the canvas is richer, deeper and more meaningful for me and I hope for them as well. Everyone will grow in different ways based on their unique circumstances. I hope you will be kind to yourself.
In my coaching sessions, I remind cancer patients to appreciate the small things. When daily rituals and routines we've always taken for granted, are disrupted, it lends to a new sense of appreciation for the little things in life.
Most of us are stronger than we know. Each time you encounter a challenge – emotional, physical, financial, or circumstantial – you face a choice – grow or get stuck? I am mindful of those with especially trying circumstances and many who have suffered mightily. A first responder's resilience is astounding. What can we learn from their ability to endure and bounce back?
I believe we can benefit from shared thoughts. Some of mine are:
1. Don’t Make Assumptions
I am a big fan of the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, available here. He "offers a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love."
Agreement 1: Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Agreement 2: Don't Take Anything Personally.
Agreement 3: Don't Make Assumptions.
Agreement 4: Always Do Your Best.
What stands out for me is #3 - Don't Make Assumptions.
Currently, many live with the belief, “This won't happen to me." As we know, this COVID-19 does not discriminate, and we are not invincible. It is capricious, carving a hopscotching path of destruction that can destroy one and spare another.
I am using tools to cope, stay strong and healthy; I believe this is a chapter in my life and not the whole story. Stay focused - I work on being in command of my emotional state. I tell my coaching clients this. We can't control the situation, but we can control our reactions. It's the ability to manage your thoughts, feelings, and actions to achieve a goal.
Experts say that fantasizing, forward-thinking, and using one's imagination are powerful tools for getting people through difficult times. I imagine my future self as someone I want to be. We must allow nourishment of imagination and wonder to resonate. Research shows that both motivation and hope stem from the combination of a clear, desired outcome, the belief that you can succeed, and a path to get there.
2. Keep a Positive Mindset
Overcoming adversity is a phenomenal struggle. Maintaining a positive attitude, or inserting a pause into a behavioral overload can help override emotional impulses or overreaction. There are many prayer and meditation practices that help with this. We can actually train the brain to observe rather than react to uncomfortable feelings.
You know I am a big proponent of journaling, which can help every aspect of our life, especially now. We need to realize each breath is a gift; there is wonder in everything.
3. Be Grateful
Gratitude turns what we have into enough. There is always, always something to be thankful for. During my darkest moments in life, reflecting on simple gestures and incidents would fill me with luscious observations, flavors, and memories. They would make me smile, and a feeling of hope and revitalization would take over.
Studies have been performed to determine if gratitude decreases pain and depression, and boosts happiness. Results have shown that writing about oneself and your personal experiences can improve mood disorder, reduce symptoms in cancer patients, reduce doctor visits, and improve memory.
We act because of the way we feel, but we also feel because of how we act. Gratitude and hope are a choice. Changing how we feel can make a big difference. Expressing gratitude - the very act of my committing to a daily routine, revealing my thoughts, and reliving these moments - made a massive difference in how I feel and the lens through which I view life. Postpone nothing. Appreciate everything.
4. Bring Joy to Your Space
Our home has become our everything now - school, day-care, office, gym - it is our sanctuary! The need for cleanliness and organization and has never been more critical. We can now appreciate and sometimes become reacquainted with what we have, respecting others' space, reducing our acquisitions, and being mindful of what brings us joy in our space. In my office, I am trying to touch a piece of paper only once!
We can’t let laughter and joy fold into fear and loss.
There will be times in your life when things feel out of sorts, unsettled, difficult. But, in the words of Martin Luther King Jr., "Only in the darkness can you see the stars," which is a reminder that there is always going to be a silver lining, you just might need help finding it.
I am here to support you and share the tools I used in overcoming a death sentence in the form of pancreatic cancer. We are all examining our lives and overall situation. It is important to be objective as possible. Some things are out of our control and we must keep perspective on all of this.
This is a moment in time that we will all remember for the rest of our lives, sharing experiences with our loved ones far into the future. There are tremendous heartbreaks, struggles, and challenges. I hope we can see that this has also been a time of discovery, innovation, and creativity. We explore different ways to communicate across the physical boundaries, bringing depth to our discussions and relationships.
I don't want to say a “new normal” because there is nothing normal about our lives. I am mindful of those with especially trying circumstances and many who have suffered mightily. I hope we can be empathetic as we encounter and interact with others.
Above all, stay well, be healthy, practice acts of kindness, believe in yourself, and live each moment as if this is all there is.
And now, a few questions for you. I hope you will reply in the comments below or feel free to email me at laurie@lauriemaccaskill.com. Please share this with your family and friends, and if anyone you know is facing a cancer diagnosis, I would be happy to speak with them about my cancer coaching services.
Are there any silver linings you have found that can inspire others?
What are the lessons learned?
How will you go about recreating aspects of your life in a way that is dramatic and involving?
What changes will you make in your life as a result of this past year?