The Gift of Time
“Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away. ”
What would you do with an extra hour each day?
What would you change if you knew you had months to live?
If you were to rewrite your story, what would be different?
June 2021
I have been given the gift of time. On June 27, 2021, I will celebrate 15 years as a pancreatic cancer survivor. At the time of my diagnosis, 94% of those diagnosed died in the first 12 months. Today, the 5-year survival rate is an unacceptable 10%.
We all have vivid, stark recollections of where we were when hearing about a major crisis – JFK's death, Shuttle Challenger disaster, or 9/11. I will never forget where I was for my biggest life change. After months of tests and dismissals by doctors…"It is your imagination. Nothing is wrong." I finally begged for a scan thinking an antibiotic prescription would ultimately cure the intense back pain that was constantly chewing at me.
Against doctors' orders, I flew to Denver to drive to Aspen for a 4th of July celebration. Sitting inside a car dealership, my husband was with the salesmen and my cell phone rang with my doctor calling to ask me to come into his office. I was very relaxed (even though I felt so ill), and the only anxiety I experienced was that he would know I was not in LA! The advice was NOT to fly for the risk of internal bleeding due to procedures performed over the past three days. I casually said I couldn't come in right now and asked what he had to tell me. He said he would wait for me as long as it takes. I felt terrible! I am a responsible patient, and I adored this doctor – I could not disappoint him. I said I was not alone; I was fine, and what did I need to know? Then he said, "I am so sorry, Laurie, you have pancreatic cancer.” I struggled to craft my thoughts into words. "Doctor, that is a death sentence; you have the wrong file. Can you please get the right file?" I quickly realized the gravity of this sentence. I swallowed the words down; they tasted like darkness. I sat there in shock; all of the air had been sucked out of my body. That phone call felt like it lasted hours; in reality, it was only a few minutes.
How odd that so much of life is dependent upon time. Lives are measured in years. There are 168 hours in a week. We count down the minutes and seconds in a game and measure our productivity by months and quarters. The clock speeds with an enjoyable project and drags when someone is droning on. Why can't these scenarios be reversed?
You know how agonizing it is when you lie awake, willing yourself to be in a deep sleep at any minute. Or the unbearable hours spent in the chemo chair and how time stands still in the hospital bed.
“You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.”
Year 1 on Chemo - First hair loss, hiking in Italy
I recently read the book "The Midnight Library." A young woman is unhappy in her life and, as a result of many regrets, tries out different versions of her life, selecting books from the library shelves. She believes trying out these paths, paths from her life would bring happiness. She eventually finds joy and learns that her original life had value.
It is an interesting concept. Do you have regrets, and would you select a book from your shelf to relive a path to find hope?
I don't have regrets. I am a survivor, not a victim. I was told 11 years ago that I had 3-6 months to live after years of treatment. Since that diagnosis, I have recovered from 2 surgeries in the last 12 months - endometrial cancer and obstructed bowel. I am not only surviving, but I am also thriving.
Facing cancer twice has taught me to embrace my ever-changing life status. This has been a gift that keeps on giving. Being a cancer survivor has changed the lens through which I view life. A single event can not only shape a life but illuminate it. I have never felt bitter, and nor have I questioned, why me? I learned how lucky I was to be in the care of a fantastic doctor and put myself in a position to take advantage of the love and support of family and friends, and a strong belief in my faith that this deadly disease was not going to get the best of me. I managed a mindset that allowed me to heal. I practiced an elegant deception; I would not lose this battle despite the negative talk and statistics.
The truth is no one knows what the future will bring. Time is finite for everyone. Cancer patients are acutely aware of how precious time is to us.
All smiles despite year 3 on chemo and 2nd hair loss
“To live is to suffer; to survive is to make sense of the suffering.”
The disease has not defined me. Rather the message of resilience has propelled me to a new place - supporting others for a real difference. I find solace in giving back to a community. Being told, "Because of you, Laurie, I never want to give up," are the words that inspire me each and every day. I don't want any of you to have a minute of my horrific journey, but I wouldn't trade places with anyone. My public speaking and coaching goals are to remind others to live with intention and make the most of this blessed life we have. I have been assigned this mountain to show others how it can be moved.
Recovering after a recent surgery
My gratitude knows no bounds. This memory is not bathed in a rosy glow of nostalgia, rather unbridled appreciation. Driving to Aspen, first learning of my diagnosis in 2006, my Aspen friends went above and beyond to help me facilitate the most critical first steps. You know who you are, and I hope you understand my heart is overflowing with gratitude and devotion for your incredible love, zealous support, and loyal friendship. From the day we met, to the day of my diagnosis and the present, 15 years later, I am eternally grateful for you!
There are SO many others to thank; however, those first few days will always be a dreadful memory of complete shock, disbelief, and unqualified fear. I could not have taken the necessary steps in moving forward without their help.
Pamela Acosta Marquardt, Founder, PanCAN
Without my association with the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, I would not be the person I am today. Fueled by purpose and motivated by a ticking clock, I was committed to giving back. Their incredible support, education and outreach, helped me navigate a challenging, frightful, and unpredictable journey into something that was and is manageable, safe, informative, nurturing, and hopeful. They are the best at what they do for thousands of patients and caregivers across the country. It was an honor to be on the board of directors and have served as chair, interacting with the amazing, hard-working staff, scientific and medical community members, and walking alongside the committed, devoted volunteers tirelessly helping to spread the word.
Julie Fleshman, CEO, PanCAN
Recognizing and enjoying small moments is essential for every one of us regardless of our health. Postpone nothing; appreciate everything!
I had no idea the role my genetic make-up played in my success as a survivor 15 years later. I honestly believe I am alive today because of a unique genetic make-up I possess and a doctor that thinks outside the box. This is not true for everyone. Pancreatic cancer is the 3rd deadliest cancer with no early detection markers. By the time symptoms appear, it is usually advanced.
Treatment guidelines for pancreatic cancer state all patients should receive genetic testing and yet approximately 80% of patients are not undergoing testing. Wouldn’t you want to know why you might have developed this cancer and if your family at risk for hereditary cancer? Also, these tests inform doctors what treatment options are best for your tumor. I can’t stress enough the benefits and the critical importance of genetic testing for patients and their families.
Click this link to take the simple quiz below to determine if you are at risk for cancer.
So, what would you do with the extra hour a day?
We don't need a magic extra hour; we need to know how we want to spend the time and then make that activity a priority. You'd be surprised at what you can fit into your life if you schedule it and uphold your promise to do it. I live alone, and there is no time deficit, although I feel that is not true at times. If I block off the activity on my calendar and commit to it, it becomes significant, which is essential to accomplish. Expressions of gratitude in different forms are a priority.
Give yourself permission to prioritize what's important to you for your extra 60 minutes. It's easy to get distracted by our everyday routines, but even a window as small as this could have a lasting positive impact on our physical, social and emotional wellness. And for cancer patients, being distracted, having a purpose, scheduled and planned events can make all the difference for a positive healing environment. During COVID, I would take my 'awe walk' to break up my schedule in the middle of the day.
According to Aetna's Health Ambitions Study, 60% of people devote their extra hour to similar physical and mental activities like yoga, meditation, and walking.
I don't know about you, but I want a front-row seat to the human connection! The only limits in life are the ones we make. Why shouldn't we live as if we are dying, making every moment count? We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.
Gratitude turns what we have into enough.
I wish that we now re-emerge from this dreadful past year of COVID, enhanced with a resolve to take time for meaningful moments and the people in our lives. And to be kind and grateful. My goal is to inject more joy and fun into my life and reduce the self-imposed 'have to' expectations. The number 15 never looked so good; I am grateful for time! Being a cancer survivor and enduring times of crisis propels the pure beauty of the human spirit in an unmistakable way!
Blessed to celebrate 15 years!
DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed here are my own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Myriad Genetics or its affiliates.